Monday, 29 October 2012

From the Innsmouth Observer, October 29

Innsmouth Police Chief in desperate plea to pet owners

"Please stop feeding your pets Dunwich Happy Buddy Pet Food," said Innsmouth Police Chief  Severity Johnson on Monday, October 29. "The pet company has issued a recall on all batches shipped before Friday October, 26, and we kindly request all pet owners to return batches before this date as soon as possible."

He went on to describe how two officers were 'played with' by a household cat and three officers were ingested by a budgie.

"We believe the unintended growth effects are the result of use of an unidentified marine carcass found on the beach the most recent batch of Dunwich Happy Buddy Pet Food – Best for Your Pet, Best for You," said Ulthar Food Enterprises and Bicycle Repair Shop spokesperson, William Gelbenbach-K√ľnstler.

Above: Former household companion, Mr Widdles, is still unaccounted for, but is believed to be heading towards New York. He is described as curious and very playful. Anyone who sees him is requested to call the police and flee (not necessarily in that order).

"We removed the thing as a public service, and are frankly disappointed by the calls that we have been getting," he said. "We had to cook it twice, and it bent the grinder blades."

Asked about legal liability, he said that consumers were bound by caveats of fair use on the label, and clauses five, six and eight through twenty-eight of the consumer charter available at the old house behind the abandoned factories on the edge of town, as indicated on the back of the printed label.

"Those pet owners who have difficulty disposing of carcasses should feel free to contact us for sanitary disposal. We believe that we have fixed the process now, and will offer a special on future batches to affected owners. We do however request owners not to sample the contents of cans, no matter how tempting the thought may be, as we are hazy on the legal implications of that,"  Gelbenbach-K√ľnstler concluded.

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