Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Checklist for the apocalypse

The world has to end sometime. This will probably be in a couple of billion years, but just in case the schedule does get moved up, here is a handy list of things you might want to do.

 Things to do before the end of the world
  • Abandon revenge fantasies. No point in wasting time with them anymore, is there?
  • Get into the spirit of things. Run around on the streets panicking for a bit and shouting, "The end is nigh!"
  • Say goodbye to everyone on Facebook with a picture of a cat and a witty, misspelled line about having nine lives.
  • Repetitively play Bob Marley's 'Three Little Birds' or REM's 'End of the World'.
  • Watch '2012' again, but ignore the end because Capetonians are very cliquish and will tell you to go away and leave them alone.
  • Confront people with all the things about them that irritate you. Get it off your chest. It's too late for them to be offended
  • If it's a zombie apocalypse baste yourself with chile, garlic and blue cheese sauce. You might just survive. If they ignore your marinade, take a final bit of pride in your culinary finesse.
  • Smoke and indulge in fattening foods. A heart attack and weight gain are the least of your worries.
  • Change your underwear.
  • Pester Jehovahs Witnesses for copies of Watchtower. They will probably be glad that someone will have finally found a use for them.
  • Test all the pots in the house to see which one best fits your head.
  • Put deck chairs on the roof so that you have a good view.
  • Get drunk enough not to notice it. Don't worry about the hangover.
Be optimistic.
  • Stock up on baked beans, instant coffee, antibiotics, seeds and weapons.
  • Build a swimming pool. Make it deep. Fill it to the brim and cover it. Water may come in handy. If you are Namibian fill it with beer.
  • Get a haircut. It's going to be a while before civilisation resurfaces.
  • Stock up on books and maps. Television and internet won't work.
  • Buy a guitar or a harmonica and learn to play it. Don't buy a block flute.
  • Learn how to do hand washing.
  • Get sandbags. Fill some and leave others empty. You are going to have plenty of time on your hands.
  • Tape up the windows. Then tape them up some more.
  • Make a list of potential mates just in case you are the last man / woman on earth. Invite them to a party on the eve of the apocalypse. Get them too drunk to drive home.
  • Weld metal plates and spikes to your vehicle, and fill barrels with fuel.
  • Buy a bicycle just in case the EMP makes your vehicle obsolete.
  • Learn a vital post-apocalyptic skill like brick making, building, carpentry, tactical shooting or natural beer brewing.

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